Am I Seeing Things?
by Yin03
Summary: • • • An angsty SNS AU one shot about feelings and delusions and tragic discovery • • • *Mood Music: 1440 by Ólafur Arnalds*


**A/N:** A perfected draft that was lying around. Until I resume the other two, here's something to read. RnR.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the subtle character mentions. Damn.

 **Warning:** Shounen-Ai. SNS. That's it. _**YOU NO LIKE, YOU NO READ.**_

* * *

 _ **AM I SEEING THINGS?**_

 _ **I glimpsed your silhouette trailing across the park. I shifted my steps as I saw your shadow creeping behind me. But it didn't work. You tackled me to the ground wailing a battle cry. I didn't get it. So I punched back and the kid who never uttered a word outside class was suddenly speaking through exchanged fists. What followed that incident, over the years gradually evolved into a strange cross between friendship and rivalry. It was insane and unbelievable, why I let you do it to me, to this day, I can hardly understand.**_

 _Don't get me wrong, I was never one to believe in superstitions. So sitting around dying embers of campfires, I didn't believe all your stories. I used to live alone, travel alone, I found my way alone._ _ **Where did you come from?**_

 _ **Am I seeing things?**_ _I really wonder where you came from. You were the weirdest and the noisiest kid on the playground, I knew so, through sideways glance and empty shrugs even as our eyes met. But as it turned out, we would play together. I call it coercion while you fondly recalled it as a work of perseverance and conviction._

 _I thought it was a coincidence you were in the same class as me. So bright and cheery while I always sat in a quiet, secluded corner of the class; I didn't love the dark I just preferred it. Reasons more as to why I hated you, you who shone like the sun. Your radiance was too bright I was afraid it would consume me. I was comfortable alone but you brought me into the light. No, you brought out the light in me, within me. Reasons why I hated it even more._ _ **Funny.**_

 _ **Am I seeing things?**_ _In the scorching heat of the afternoon sun, I was tagged along forcibly, they were sneering at you. I'm used to ignoring people. They never do me good and they're always selfish; utter hypocrites. But you notice them; does it not bother you? I'm getting tired of your smile. I keep watching; waiting. I wait and watch as to when it'll falter. I'm being a bad friend that way, I know, but I secretly hope it never goes away._

 _Fast forward and I watch you make more friends and bring smiles upon their faces as well. We were always alone together but for the first time I felt jealous. I was angry at myself; I couldn't confront and figure out how and why I felt what I did since a long time. Why are you being kind to everyone else, why're you showing them that smile too? Didn't those people hate you?_ _ **Didn't I used to hate you too?**_

 _I'm getting tired of being dragged along I want to walk on my own. The bruises on my wrist from the extra force you used each time to drag me alongside you have become harder to trace. I wonder if you'll notice if I let go. Will you stop or go back or carry on?_

 _Am I seeing things or did you get rejected? It's okay, I'm itching to say I told you so but instead I offer you a solitary smile and you kiss my lips. I'm taken by surprise; I never wanted to embrace this feeling. It's an otherworldly portal…I shut it close and ask you not to talk about it, ever. Your smile never came off after that._ _ **I wonder why.**_

 _ **Am I seeing things?**_ _We passed high school; you're still my closest friend, annoyingly so. You want to come after me. That stupid smile is still ever present on your stupid face. I tell you no but why do you keep at it? I thought I was a mystery to my secret admirers but the greatest mystery is what's inside that pretty head of yours._

 _ **Am I seeing things?**_ _What is that ghosting smile you're giving me? Are you mocking me? Stop. I'm going away now. Don't follow me. Follow your own dream. I tell you so but you're still somehow smiling. I remember the day you told me how everyone hated you. I told you no one can tell because you're always smiling like the sun. You had that look in your eyes, feelings with the depth of an ocean. Not a calm ocean, no…your eyes were blue swirling pools that were drowning me in. I never noticed how much it cost me; that free walk to the park. That day in the rain when you were laughing with sad eyes and getting water on me. The same day she rejected you and you never asked her again. I don't know why I had rejected her earlier with apathy but it hurt me…why did it hurt me? Did it hurt me because it hurt you?_ _ **But the feelings we shared, I can embrace them now.**_

 _I thought I'd never find out. Minutes changed to hours and hours changed to months and years. I came back and I knew who I was searching for. You said it'll never be the same; as I parted from you. But you always said stupid things. Like confessing your love to me while we were brawling in the mud and rain and I was cross because my laundry day was five days away._

 _Yet, I knew you'd wait for me. Wasn't it natural for me to trust you? When you hugged me like you were struggling to let me go, but you did. What gave in? Why were you holding back and not holding me down? You could've stopped me you know. But you held back your arms against your sides. You held back words on your lips._ _ **Guess I would never know then.**_

 _ **Am I seeing things?**_ _I'm walking down the same old streets where we strolled with entwined hands and the same old shops where we hung out. It's the same old boring houses with peeling colours on faded walls that've been under the sun too long. I keep asking myself why I came back. Everything's the same. You were stupid after all._ _ **See? Nothing's changed.**_

 _I want to tell it to your face. I want to tell you and then embrace your warmth and never let go. Reasons, it's what this away trip taught me. Where are you now? I find myself at your door, the town looked deserted. I knock but there's no answer. I walk inside and I don't know if I'm seeing things but I see you sitting on that chair, slurping your favourite dish. I see you hold me in your arms and before I realise I'm smiling again like I did always staring at your back while you walked ahead but why are tears streaming down my cheeks?_

 _ **They tell me I'm seeing things.**_ _That I only saw you…like those times when you were lying on the couch flipping through a comic, when you were humming old tunes in the shower, when you were laughing crazy about the smallest of things. When you were broken and bruised but you never gave up._ _ **They tell me I'm seeing it all but it's not real.**_

 _Then what was real, me leaving you? I'll keep searching for you. Now I remember why I came back, they told me I had missed my chance of ever seeing you again. I proved them wrong. Didn't I? I'll keep proving them wrong. Because I saw you every day and I see you every day, in the books you shelved but never read, in the coffee you advised me against, in the loud music I never liked before, in that hideous shade of colour that is soaked in my tears as I unlatch myself from your blanket. I see you in each moment when I close my eyes and when they're open and even when I don't want to. They tell me I should see a therapist. But all the therapy I need I get from you. Why would I want to see someone else or go somewhere else? I wish I could see you like this forever but my visions keep fading with time._

 _As I stand near your engraved stone, my feet give in to land on still freshly unearthed soil and I can't place back the bouquet that fell from my hand. I hate that I can see everything now for what it was but the only thing I can't see is you._


End file.
